Hatchback Ramblings.

Monkey "fairness"

Primates as pets.

Seriously. People. Why the hell do you want to own a monkey as a pet?

I can give you a few reasons against it.

1. Karma. It seems like all of you kids with instagram think of yourselves as hippies. Well, think about this, hippie- owning a wild animal is bad. Because they are wild. (And don’t get me started on the zoo argument.. These animals are losing habitat so you can have your cell phone batteries and fucking palm oil in your damn body lotions. Zoos are here for people to see these animals up close to hopefully learn to appreciate them and do something to save them.) So, owning a monkey can’t possibly affect the wild ones right? WRONG. How do you think your breeder got their pair of breeding monkeys? Illegally. You can’t go take animals from the wild to breed- especially primates. So one, illegally captured. Brought to the US where such states allow them to be sold legally to individuals without permits. Okay, so you buy one. Brag to your dumb trendy friends. They want one. They get one. Demand is up, more animals will be taken from the wild. Great. You’re doing a good job now. And fuck you Justin Beiber. Now every dumbfuck pre-teen is gonna want a monkey for Christmas. They are our closest living relatives. Leave them alone.

2. Ejaculation. Males do it. Spider monkey ejaculate coagulates and becomes so solid it has to be scraped off cement. That is going to be all over your house.. So what you say?! How many times a day does your fucking dumb lolcat shit? Once? Twice? Monkeys shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And it’s not good solid logs. It’s wet, and mushy and fucking smells terrible. I bet you clean your litter box once a week, right? You’re going to have to clean your monkeys cage at least twice a day. Lemurs- poop out exactly what goes in. Thats right- diarrhea city my friend! Siamangs- diarrhea and plenty of it. Marmosets- seed dispersers… aka diarrhea city. and so on. Ejaculation doesn’t happen with females. Yes. Period blood does! Just like that skinny whore who picked on you in high school, your monkey will bleed and become a cunt too. And you have to own more than one, well you should. Look up the research study about singly house baby monkeys and which water bottle they choose to cuddle with. Primates are social animals. You think you’re going to have enough time to bond with it? You’re wrong. It’s unfair to the animal. NOT JUST THAT but primates can get sick from you an visa versa. We are so closely related they can easily catch your cold and it can be fatal. NOT JUST THAT but old world primates can come with one hell of an incurable disease. (Guess you’re gonna have to google what it is… Look at you doing research other than what snookis boobs look like)

3. You’re not cool. Owning a primate isn’t something you should do to show off. Learn a new hobby. Do something productive. For fuck sakes go volunteer.

4. The rule is you have to be 2% smarter than any animal you work with. And if you own a monkey or want one as a pet, you are guaranteed to not be 2% smarter than a fucking pile of horse shit. So don’t do it.

Please don’t own a pet monkey.
If you do, I don’t want to talk to you. Ever. Fuck off.

Tl;dr- DON’T OWN A PRIMATE AS A PET

You Know You’re A Zookeeper When… #3

keeperchat:

- …you shower after work, not before.
- …you can put a fecal sample in your coat pocket without flinching.
- …non-keepers are impressed when they see you chopping produce.
- …your house is decorated mainly with photos of your animals and their artwork.
- …you can fix almost anything with cable ties, duct tape, and/or baling twine.